Giving Things Up...

is really, really hard.

Tomorrow, it shall be exactly one week since i've consumed a wonderful, delicious, cup of coffee.
And I've never wanted coffee more than right now- 5:09 am on this Wednesday morning. There's a devil sitting on my shoulder telling me there's NO WAY I'll make it into work without one...

Why am I trying to give up coffee? Several reasons, but the most important (to me) of which is due to my sleeping problems.  I wouldn't say I have insomnia..  it just takes me 3 hours to fall asleep on a given night, leaving me only 4 hours of quality sleep, and then I tend to walk around like a zombie the next day, only to do it all again.  By Friday, I am completely burnt out.  And I'm 28. The reason? Coffee.

I was taking large amounts of caffeine to keep me awake, and at times, taking things at night to put me to sleep. No wonder my body was so screwed up!
All in all, I am feeling much better now. A lot of the sluggishness I was accustomed to feeling towards the mid afternoon has gone completely.  I've not given up caffeine completely, I've replaced it with tea; a lesser evil.
And a friend told me about this creation called ' Teecino' which is made from....nuts. But I'm looking forward to trying it. As soon as my shipment is in, I'll let you know if it's any substitute for coffee...

warm...delicious... wonderful...coffee.

i miss you.

You Know You Miss Your Blog When..........

(alternate title: you know you're pathetic when...)

1. Within 10 seconds after every major event (well, let's face it: after any event that causes you to open your eyes, or perhaps shift slightly in your chair, or perhaps come to a sudden stop as you are walking) you think
' i should be blogging about this!'

2. you dream about it. and in this dream, blogs are made of chocolate. (or, for some of us---scratch that---you; nicotine.)

3. An email from a fellow blogger and friend, requesting that [ insert blogging persona tag here.] <----- *this is key to inducing the appropriate emotional response*   sends you into a roaring sobfest.....


Until finally you visit "Home."   That little orange B in the corner looks to be a handshake, extending itself to you, saying warmly:  Welcome Back.

And so here I am.
Most of you are probably wondering how the new job is going. It's going quite well! There are no Cube Gooses to spoil my day. But I've discovered a different breed of Cube Creature.

Cube Kate Gosselin. She's in her early... to late....to mid....forties, Though it's hard telling, what with her overly Fake and Baked Skin, which could either be adding or reducing years all at once. There's her way-too-young-for-her-outfits, which only makes her more elusive in the wild. And last, but not least, there is her signature Katie G. hairstyle, which she has no problem introducing to you as such, just in case, you know, you don't watch TLC. But who on earth doesn't!!?

Am i fitting in with her well? Uh... no.  I can't keep up with all the reality tv she watches.  " Did you watch the bachelor last season??" she may ask. To which I reply. " No, but Bait Cars has been having a stellar year."

And it seems she hasn't taken too kindly for my apparent lack of interest in all things D list Drama.
I wasn't there for more than 2 days when she began 'talking smack' (as the kids like to say) about me.

So it's official:  There is a special breed of Cube Goose no matter where you go. So far, I'm just happy this one doesn't eat an entire bag of chips for breakfast in the morning, followed by a gallon of chocolate milk and a 12 pack of coke.  But if she starts wearing extensions and taking salsa lessons, we're going to have a problem.

not your average bible study

I’ve spent the last 20 minutes reading the book of Job. I got up to chapter 4 and decided I had gotten the basic gist. Or maybe not. I kind of missed the ending. There are 42 chapters, after all.


But by now you may be wondering one of the following: “isn’t she at work?” or “ why is she reading the bible?” or “ did I miss something? is she like really religious?”

The answers to those questions would be: Yes, I am at work. I’ll tell u why in a second, hang on. No, I am not particularly religious. Spiritual, maybe? Would that be a better word? I don’t know, we can talk about that some other time.

The reason I was reading the book of Job, if I didn’t freak you out with my first paragraph and you’re still reading, is because I overheard a conversation today—Day 4, mind you, that got me curious.

Cube mate- Who I have discussed religion with before, is far less religious than I am. She does not live her life by any standard that religious doctrine would support. And she certainly doesn’t treat her body, or her life, like the gift that even the least religious person must admit life is. But lately, she’s been befriended by a woman who is- or claims to be-quite religious. We will call her Beth. Beth, as a ritual, comes in to work an hour before her shift starts in order to practice her daily devotions. I am lead to believe this also happens at lunch time. And, given the evidence, I would imagine she also holds a nightly devotion at her home.

A friend and I speculated that the only reason she befriended the dreaded cube mate was to convert her from her heathen ways and into the world of Christianity.

Apparently, I was right. For this morning, I walked in, threw my purse on my desk, and put on my headphones. But before I could press ‘play’ on my Ipod, I overheard Beth telling Cube mate all about the book of Job, and how she should apply it to her own life. Especially when she is sitting in a cubicle, questioning ‘things.’

So I read the Book of Job(well, the first 4 chapters) and I guess Beth was trying to tell Cube demon that the reason her life sucks so bad, and that she’s so fat* she has to walk down the stairs sideways, and that she has no friends, and that she’ll die a virgin, and that her own cube mate (moi) won’t even speak to her, and also silently detests having to breath the same air as her (ok, I’ll stop now) is because God is testing her allegiance.

Funny? Sad? Somewhere in between? I’m not sure quite yet. But, I think in this situation, even God would say “ Stop praying, put away that 2 liter of Coke that you consider breakfast, limit your sausage and bacon sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts to once a month instead of twice a day, and get your ass on an elliptical. Oh, and in the mean time, two words: Lane Bryant. You don’t have to wear sweats to your professional job everyday. They do make clothes as large as you.”

I know I'm missing a lot of points here, from both sides. But this concludes my rant for now.

*disclaimer* no, I am not prejudice against people who are overweight. That is not the reason I don’t like her, it just adds to my frustration with her as she complains about it but does everything humanly possible to destroy herself. Thank you, and goodnight.

This Is The Countdown.....

I’ve been waiting for something, I’ve been sitting for too long - Mae



So today is DAY 5 leading up to this Friday, which will be my last day working for this company.

A few things I’ll miss:

1. My fellow cube warrior and the strongest and best personality I ever encountered in my one and a half years here. They say some things happen for a reason, and I think working here was set up for the sole purpose of us meeting and joining forces.

2. The salad bar in the building’s cafeteria. Not only do they have every veggie I could want on my salad, they also know how to satisfy my ranch tooth. ‘Nuff said.

3. Every day is casual Friday- what am I wearing today, u may ask- Jeans and sneakers.

4. Going for walks on the prairie walking trail, #1 at my side.

5. Helping patients. It won’t be a part of my new position, and I will miss the rewarding feeling I get when I’ve helped clear some confusion or resolve an issue that would have otherwise taken months.



Things I won’t miss:

1. This horrific Chair, an embarrassment to chairs the world over. It’s padded foam, decorated with cheap blue fabric, stapled to some plastic legs. It provides no support, no comfort, and I think I’ve developed a hunchback by sitting in it. They have better chairs in prison, I’m sure.

2. The Cube Mate. Though I must thank her for basically getting me this job, and also, for inspiring me to move on to a different one. I owe it all to her, really. But miss her? Absolutely…not.

3. The women’s bathroom, and the male janitor who cleans it 20 times a day, and only when I really have to pee.

4. The hens- The ones who spend all day clack clack cackling- Noone Cares.



Tune in Tomorrow for Day 4.

And Your Bird Can Sing

There’s things we want so badly to say to people in our lives-authority figures, loved ones, complete strangers. But we don’t. Or we can’t, not without serious ramifications, anyway. But those words, that we force back, down our throats, swallowing them, trying to pretend they never existed. They don’t go away.


I had so many of those moments yesterday. More than I usually have in an entire week. What didn’t help is that something is wrong with the battery on my cell phone, and my phone was dead by noon. Suddenly there I was- Present, in reality. No viral connection of any sort for me to dispense my unsung rebuttals without fear. I had to react on my own.

I formally resigned from my job. The one that made me so miserable this past year and a half. It came as a complete shock to my superiors. Why? Because I never openly display my emotions to the people who need to hear it most. Nay, I take it home with me. I say everything I wish I could say to them- to my boyfriend, to his family. To my sister. So naturally they aren’t surprised. But all of a sudden, I’m put on the spot. I’m asked to explain 16 months worth of frustration to ignorant ears. And then in turn, they’re put on the spot. They have to come up with a solution they never knew they needed. But try as they might, they’re too late. I’ve stored these feelings for so long; I’ve made the decision long before the door of opportunity ever arrived. The door has swung open, after 2- no- 6 years of sitting patiently in the waiting room. I’m walking through it. There is no looking back.

Learn To Drown

what if for one minute

he's given a chance
and he does something brilliant
but he'd rather not know
cause walls protect him
his bedroom's a prison

now is your chance boy just ignore
the dreadful things they say
go on, give up, you’ll never win,
no crying now, they're watching him
his blood will boil, the kids will sing
learn to drown before you learn to swim
-Bayside


So, as I’m waiting for classes to finally begin, I’ve been doing a lot of research on what I want to do once I (hopefully*) complete my degree.


The focus I’m most interested in is child psychology/development. I would love to both teach and provide therapy for special needs kids or children with behavioral issues. The education portion appeals to me because I feel like parents are afraid of the stigma involving psychology and their children. Or maybe, they don’t realize their child might need some extra help. As an educator, I’d be automatically implanted into the child’s life and in the position to have an influence. I know how important this is, because it’s something I wish could have happened to me when I was a kid.


I wasn’t a troublemaker. I didn’t get horrific grades. I was pretty average, I suppose. But I went to a small school, and kids are cruel, as they are anywhere. And I just..couldn’t deal. I didn’t really know how to. Self esteem wasn’t exactly promoted in my household. My parents were either blind to it, didn’t think it mattered, or were too wrapped up in their failing marriage to see what was really going on. By 5th grade, I was really waiting for the chance to call for help. One afternoon in our daily religion class, I was given that chance. Pastor Simon gave us an assignment; write down something on a sheet of paper that really bothers you, but feel like you can’t tell anyone. I figured the main message was for him to tell us to go to God with our worries. I didn’t think anyone would be seeing what I wrote, so with my #2 pencil in hand, I feebly scrawled the words “ People make fun of me. I feel alone. No one cares.”


But Pastor Simon began walking around the room, reading what each of us had written on our sheets of paper. “ Susie, you’re worried about your math test tomorrow?” Susie, the smartest and most popular girl in the class, smiled and nodded mockingly. Pastor Simon gave her advice consisting of studying with her parents, and perhaps some prayer, and then moved on to the next student. Finally, he came to my desk. My face flushed and my mouth grew dry. He whispered to me. “ Have you told anyone about this?” I squeaked “ no.” He said nothing more and went on to the other students.


After religion class was over, I desperately wanted to go to the bathroom to throw some cold water on my face. That assignment had taken a lot out of me. As I approached my teacher’s desk, Pastor Simon was confronting him.


“ Do you know this has been going on? I’m concerned for her.” He told my teacher.


“ She’s just going to have to learn to deal with it.” the teacher responded nonchalantly.


Those words sting me to this day. I realize that everyone needs to grow a pair of balls if they want to get through life, and eventually, I did. Or rather, I ‘learned how to deal with it.’ To this day I have trouble expressing my feelings, my needs, or my reaction when someone has hurt or angered me. I was taught early on to keep it to myself. I love who I am, and wouldn’t change a thing. But sometimes, I wonder how different I would have been if maybe my teacher had reacted differently that day. Maybe if he had just reached out, or even called my parents to find out what was going on, things would have been different. But everything has it’s purpose- I want to be that difference in a child’s life when they feel like they have no one else to turn to. And I won’t wait for them to ask or cry for help. I will be the one person that understands them when they feel like they’re alone.


* Hopefully? You ask- where has that positive attitude gone? Well, it’s still here, but I got a response back from some of the Universities I was interested in that their psychology program is a day program. That’s a problem. I have a full time job. An established career, if you’d like to call it that. I need it, to pay my bills, and to pay tuition, because the federal government thinks I make too much in order to qualify for any sort of grant. Funny, because the last time I checked my bank account…. In short, here’s hoping that in the 2 years before I transfer, they’ve decided to branch out to adult/non traditional students a bit more.

A Lighthearted Monday

In preparing for this new journey in my life, I’m trying to give my attitude and lifestyle a complete makeover. But this weekend, I decided to focus on the fun stuff: hair and makeup. I went to the hair salon and said “do whatever you like” and I was very pleased with the results. I also stopped by the Benefit counter at Macy’s and discovered my favorite new beauty product:

Put it on before your foundation, or by itself, and it gives your skin a natural glow. I am in love! . I am pretty fair skinned (ie; transparent) and I’ve tried several products like this before. I too impressed, but this stuff really is amazing.


As for my hair, I don’t have a picture quite yet, but I’m definitely happy with it.


On Sunday we spent the entire day spring cleaning, and that also took a much needed weight off my shoulders. So far I think my makeover is off to a good start. Now I just cant wait to begin classes!


And since no one will nominate me for “What Not To Wear”, I’ve got to do the fashion makeover myself. So I’d like to hear; where are you shopping these days? What styles are exciting you this spring?