not your average bible study

I’ve spent the last 20 minutes reading the book of Job. I got up to chapter 4 and decided I had gotten the basic gist. Or maybe not. I kind of missed the ending. There are 42 chapters, after all.


But by now you may be wondering one of the following: “isn’t she at work?” or “ why is she reading the bible?” or “ did I miss something? is she like really religious?”

The answers to those questions would be: Yes, I am at work. I’ll tell u why in a second, hang on. No, I am not particularly religious. Spiritual, maybe? Would that be a better word? I don’t know, we can talk about that some other time.

The reason I was reading the book of Job, if I didn’t freak you out with my first paragraph and you’re still reading, is because I overheard a conversation today—Day 4, mind you, that got me curious.

Cube mate- Who I have discussed religion with before, is far less religious than I am. She does not live her life by any standard that religious doctrine would support. And she certainly doesn’t treat her body, or her life, like the gift that even the least religious person must admit life is. But lately, she’s been befriended by a woman who is- or claims to be-quite religious. We will call her Beth. Beth, as a ritual, comes in to work an hour before her shift starts in order to practice her daily devotions. I am lead to believe this also happens at lunch time. And, given the evidence, I would imagine she also holds a nightly devotion at her home.

A friend and I speculated that the only reason she befriended the dreaded cube mate was to convert her from her heathen ways and into the world of Christianity.

Apparently, I was right. For this morning, I walked in, threw my purse on my desk, and put on my headphones. But before I could press ‘play’ on my Ipod, I overheard Beth telling Cube mate all about the book of Job, and how she should apply it to her own life. Especially when she is sitting in a cubicle, questioning ‘things.’

So I read the Book of Job(well, the first 4 chapters) and I guess Beth was trying to tell Cube demon that the reason her life sucks so bad, and that she’s so fat* she has to walk down the stairs sideways, and that she has no friends, and that she’ll die a virgin, and that her own cube mate (moi) won’t even speak to her, and also silently detests having to breath the same air as her (ok, I’ll stop now) is because God is testing her allegiance.

Funny? Sad? Somewhere in between? I’m not sure quite yet. But, I think in this situation, even God would say “ Stop praying, put away that 2 liter of Coke that you consider breakfast, limit your sausage and bacon sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts to once a month instead of twice a day, and get your ass on an elliptical. Oh, and in the mean time, two words: Lane Bryant. You don’t have to wear sweats to your professional job everyday. They do make clothes as large as you.”

I know I'm missing a lot of points here, from both sides. But this concludes my rant for now.

*disclaimer* no, I am not prejudice against people who are overweight. That is not the reason I don’t like her, it just adds to my frustration with her as she complains about it but does everything humanly possible to destroy herself. Thank you, and goodnight.

This Is The Countdown.....

I’ve been waiting for something, I’ve been sitting for too long - Mae



So today is DAY 5 leading up to this Friday, which will be my last day working for this company.

A few things I’ll miss:

1. My fellow cube warrior and the strongest and best personality I ever encountered in my one and a half years here. They say some things happen for a reason, and I think working here was set up for the sole purpose of us meeting and joining forces.

2. The salad bar in the building’s cafeteria. Not only do they have every veggie I could want on my salad, they also know how to satisfy my ranch tooth. ‘Nuff said.

3. Every day is casual Friday- what am I wearing today, u may ask- Jeans and sneakers.

4. Going for walks on the prairie walking trail, #1 at my side.

5. Helping patients. It won’t be a part of my new position, and I will miss the rewarding feeling I get when I’ve helped clear some confusion or resolve an issue that would have otherwise taken months.



Things I won’t miss:

1. This horrific Chair, an embarrassment to chairs the world over. It’s padded foam, decorated with cheap blue fabric, stapled to some plastic legs. It provides no support, no comfort, and I think I’ve developed a hunchback by sitting in it. They have better chairs in prison, I’m sure.

2. The Cube Mate. Though I must thank her for basically getting me this job, and also, for inspiring me to move on to a different one. I owe it all to her, really. But miss her? Absolutely…not.

3. The women’s bathroom, and the male janitor who cleans it 20 times a day, and only when I really have to pee.

4. The hens- The ones who spend all day clack clack cackling- Noone Cares.



Tune in Tomorrow for Day 4.

And Your Bird Can Sing

There’s things we want so badly to say to people in our lives-authority figures, loved ones, complete strangers. But we don’t. Or we can’t, not without serious ramifications, anyway. But those words, that we force back, down our throats, swallowing them, trying to pretend they never existed. They don’t go away.


I had so many of those moments yesterday. More than I usually have in an entire week. What didn’t help is that something is wrong with the battery on my cell phone, and my phone was dead by noon. Suddenly there I was- Present, in reality. No viral connection of any sort for me to dispense my unsung rebuttals without fear. I had to react on my own.

I formally resigned from my job. The one that made me so miserable this past year and a half. It came as a complete shock to my superiors. Why? Because I never openly display my emotions to the people who need to hear it most. Nay, I take it home with me. I say everything I wish I could say to them- to my boyfriend, to his family. To my sister. So naturally they aren’t surprised. But all of a sudden, I’m put on the spot. I’m asked to explain 16 months worth of frustration to ignorant ears. And then in turn, they’re put on the spot. They have to come up with a solution they never knew they needed. But try as they might, they’re too late. I’ve stored these feelings for so long; I’ve made the decision long before the door of opportunity ever arrived. The door has swung open, after 2- no- 6 years of sitting patiently in the waiting room. I’m walking through it. There is no looking back.

Learn To Drown

what if for one minute

he's given a chance
and he does something brilliant
but he'd rather not know
cause walls protect him
his bedroom's a prison

now is your chance boy just ignore
the dreadful things they say
go on, give up, you’ll never win,
no crying now, they're watching him
his blood will boil, the kids will sing
learn to drown before you learn to swim
-Bayside


So, as I’m waiting for classes to finally begin, I’ve been doing a lot of research on what I want to do once I (hopefully*) complete my degree.


The focus I’m most interested in is child psychology/development. I would love to both teach and provide therapy for special needs kids or children with behavioral issues. The education portion appeals to me because I feel like parents are afraid of the stigma involving psychology and their children. Or maybe, they don’t realize their child might need some extra help. As an educator, I’d be automatically implanted into the child’s life and in the position to have an influence. I know how important this is, because it’s something I wish could have happened to me when I was a kid.


I wasn’t a troublemaker. I didn’t get horrific grades. I was pretty average, I suppose. But I went to a small school, and kids are cruel, as they are anywhere. And I just..couldn’t deal. I didn’t really know how to. Self esteem wasn’t exactly promoted in my household. My parents were either blind to it, didn’t think it mattered, or were too wrapped up in their failing marriage to see what was really going on. By 5th grade, I was really waiting for the chance to call for help. One afternoon in our daily religion class, I was given that chance. Pastor Simon gave us an assignment; write down something on a sheet of paper that really bothers you, but feel like you can’t tell anyone. I figured the main message was for him to tell us to go to God with our worries. I didn’t think anyone would be seeing what I wrote, so with my #2 pencil in hand, I feebly scrawled the words “ People make fun of me. I feel alone. No one cares.”


But Pastor Simon began walking around the room, reading what each of us had written on our sheets of paper. “ Susie, you’re worried about your math test tomorrow?” Susie, the smartest and most popular girl in the class, smiled and nodded mockingly. Pastor Simon gave her advice consisting of studying with her parents, and perhaps some prayer, and then moved on to the next student. Finally, he came to my desk. My face flushed and my mouth grew dry. He whispered to me. “ Have you told anyone about this?” I squeaked “ no.” He said nothing more and went on to the other students.


After religion class was over, I desperately wanted to go to the bathroom to throw some cold water on my face. That assignment had taken a lot out of me. As I approached my teacher’s desk, Pastor Simon was confronting him.


“ Do you know this has been going on? I’m concerned for her.” He told my teacher.


“ She’s just going to have to learn to deal with it.” the teacher responded nonchalantly.


Those words sting me to this day. I realize that everyone needs to grow a pair of balls if they want to get through life, and eventually, I did. Or rather, I ‘learned how to deal with it.’ To this day I have trouble expressing my feelings, my needs, or my reaction when someone has hurt or angered me. I was taught early on to keep it to myself. I love who I am, and wouldn’t change a thing. But sometimes, I wonder how different I would have been if maybe my teacher had reacted differently that day. Maybe if he had just reached out, or even called my parents to find out what was going on, things would have been different. But everything has it’s purpose- I want to be that difference in a child’s life when they feel like they have no one else to turn to. And I won’t wait for them to ask or cry for help. I will be the one person that understands them when they feel like they’re alone.


* Hopefully? You ask- where has that positive attitude gone? Well, it’s still here, but I got a response back from some of the Universities I was interested in that their psychology program is a day program. That’s a problem. I have a full time job. An established career, if you’d like to call it that. I need it, to pay my bills, and to pay tuition, because the federal government thinks I make too much in order to qualify for any sort of grant. Funny, because the last time I checked my bank account…. In short, here’s hoping that in the 2 years before I transfer, they’ve decided to branch out to adult/non traditional students a bit more.

A Lighthearted Monday

In preparing for this new journey in my life, I’m trying to give my attitude and lifestyle a complete makeover. But this weekend, I decided to focus on the fun stuff: hair and makeup. I went to the hair salon and said “do whatever you like” and I was very pleased with the results. I also stopped by the Benefit counter at Macy’s and discovered my favorite new beauty product:

Put it on before your foundation, or by itself, and it gives your skin a natural glow. I am in love! . I am pretty fair skinned (ie; transparent) and I’ve tried several products like this before. I too impressed, but this stuff really is amazing.


As for my hair, I don’t have a picture quite yet, but I’m definitely happy with it.


On Sunday we spent the entire day spring cleaning, and that also took a much needed weight off my shoulders. So far I think my makeover is off to a good start. Now I just cant wait to begin classes!


And since no one will nominate me for “What Not To Wear”, I’ve got to do the fashion makeover myself. So I’d like to hear; where are you shopping these days? What styles are exciting you this spring?

Can I Handle It?

These days we go to waste like wine, that’s turned to turned to turpentine….


-Brandi Carlile


Uh-oh. Second guessing myself here. Yesterday afternoon I came home from work feeling a bit wound up. So I sat at my desk for about an hour and scrapbooked as one of my dogs tried anxiously to hop up on my lap. (is she a lap dog? No. but she likes to think she is.) It helped ease my tension for the evening, and I slept quite well, but here I am… getting a little stressed again.

I’ve always been indecisive, and now that it’s time to choose classes, I’m really wondering what to do.

Part of me wants to start slow. Take one course at a time. Ease myself into it. But the other part of me wants to get this over with as soon as possible. So what do I do?

I asked my partner in crime for an opinion, and I noticed a tinge of disappointment when the phrase ‘whatever you think you can handle’ was spoken.

So I started thinking.. Granted, I don’t have children, but will less time at home cause rifts? Will I be taking on too much? Or am I just too worried about pleasing everyone (but myself), a habit that’s hard to break? Now I’m asking myself: What do YOU want? And I don’t know. I’m nervous.

When I do what I want, I feel selfish. And someone most always gets mad at me, for what it’s worth.

I tried to be a good friend this weekend, and a good sister, and a good daughter, and a good girlfriend. All at the same time. I thought I compromised myself pretty well. Apparently, I was wrong.

2 of those 4 people are pissed at me. 1 has said nothing to me except for the usual Political Propaganda email, and I successfully pissed the other one off this morning. (That one was my fault, 100%)

I can’t stand having people mad at me. It’s either my strength or my weakness; I haven’t quite figured that out yet. What I have figured out is that it clouds my judgment. So perhaps in a few days, I’ll have made my decision….

Feeding the Trolls

“He said I think I’m cured.. no In fact I’m sure of it. Thank you stranger, for your therapeutic smile.”


-Bright Eyes


Is it possible to be your ‘real’ self online? I think so. However good or bad that may be, I think it’s possible for a genuine person to be able to imprint themselves on the internet community and express themselves as who they naturally are. I think it takes a certain kind of person, though, and I’d like to think that most people are this way, and wouldn’t think of doing anything differently.


There are some though, who for whatever reason; boredom, anger, sheer stupidity, or lack of proper entertainment, who waste their time serving a different purpose. And that’s exactly what it is. A waste of time. Attacking the honest, genuine people who want to celebrate each others passions in an online community is their game. What reward they attain from it, I have no idea. I simply don’t think that way.


I’ve never though to myself… I’m going to hop into this forum here and just f*** with people. Just like I’ve never done that in my ‘real’ life. I don’t join a conversation with a co-worker and refute their every claim. I don’t put them down for kicks. Therefore I don’t do it online either. It’s not in my DNA, I suppose. And I have to think… hope.. that trolls aren’t like that in ‘real’ life either. Though I have to say, it would explain a lot about their need to unleash themselves for 12 hours a day on the computer.


I’ve met a lot of jerky people in my life. But I think these horrid personalities found virally are all the more frustrating. You can’t simply grab your friends arm and walk away if they try to interject you. They’re there. There is no escape. This makes it hard for the genuine people- the writers, the artists, and people with an actual cause, to stomach expressing them via the web. At least, for me it does. It’s not that I’m afraid of what they’ll say, or what judgments they’ll make, or what like-minded internet personas they will turn against me. It’s just sickening to see what they do to something that could, ideally, be such a wonderful thing.


I’m reading a book right now called ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values’


It makes a great many points about the way we view the world, the way we lead our lives, and the effect it has on society. One of the main points I look to today, is that we each must set out to live a life with purpose. Whatever we do, let it have some purpose. Let it be about expressing ourselves, and communicating with our fellow man. The author claims that because so many people today have lost this sense of values, our civilization is crumbling. I can’t help but agree with him. And sometimes I am not on the internet for longer than 5 minutes before this harsh fact draws its dreary head toward me. It breaks my heart. But it’s so hard to look away.